Yesterday I did what I think is one of the hardest things any artist has to do… I sent my work out into the world for criticism.
Last night I e-mailed my manuscript off to a half dozen readers for critiquing. To some of you that may not seem like a big deal but to me it is the bravest thing I have ever done for myself.
This book has been a very long road from desire, to conception, to the actual writing, to sharing it. I have written things for as long as I can remember but never considered myself a ‘writer’; I felt like I wasn’t in that league. One day though I knew that I could be if I gave it some real effort and attention. These words have kept me up at night, they have tortured me, mocked me, they have excited me, and they have given weight to all the things flying around in my head.
For those of you who don’t know me personally I will let you in on a little secret; I am not the outwardly emotional type. I do not cry in front of people, I do not want to be your therapist, and I will not ask for help until I am dead in the water. I am very loyal, trustworthy, and a good friend but I do not participate in the mushy, over sensitive, theatrics of life. And to defend myself a bit, the people I surround myself with very much appreciate that about me.
The juxtaposition here is that internally I am nothing but emotion. I think constantly, am usually worrying, I feel things very deeply, and I carry around a lot of unnecessary weight on my shoulders. Words are my release for all of that. Words allow me to say what I need to from a distance that keeps me comfortable. Up until now all of my thoughts and emotions have been kept to myself as I like them to be…not anymore. I have willingly, for the first time in my life, taken down all the walls and am letting people deep inside to the inner works of who I am…and it’s terrifying. Vulnerable does not even begin to describe how I feel.
But I know that if I want to progress as a writer and become the best one I can be I need to be able to set my ego and fears aside to let people tell me their honest, unfiltered opinion of my work. It is hard to reconcile the fact that they are not judging me but my work because in my life they are one in the same but my readers are truly commenting on the story in front of them.
I’ve selected a mixed variety of people and ones who I think will look past the name on the cover and not hold back in telling me what they think. I have given a deadline for return critiques so I can compile the responses and decide where my next edits will need to take the book on its path to completion and publication.
Until then I am reading as much as I can and watching some bad TV. Come November 1 I will be diving head first into NaNo and they will take all of my time.
The anticipation of the responses is killing me and I can only hope that my readers actually enjoy my book. If not, it will not deter my passion for writing, it will only force me to hone my craft and work harder to practice more and become better.
Some day soon I hope to have a post here that has a link to where you can buy this book. That will be the true cherry on the top of this endeavor, but as it stands now, I am still very proud that I believed in myself enough to work I through to this level and I have more enthusiasm than ever for future projects.
Thanks for sticking by me and checking in with what I have to say. A huge part of my success will be for people to back me up and support me from both near and far. A HUGE THANK YOU to every one of you. Only bigger and better things to come!
-T
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